Children and Divorce

If you’re angry at your spouse, you may think getting a divorce will free you from talking to him or her ever again. However, it’s impossible to be permanently rid of your spouse when there are minor children in the picture. For the sake of your kids, you’ll need to find a way to work through your differences.

Helping Your Child Cope

Children, regardless of which parent they live with, have certain rights. They deserve truthful answers to their questions, recognition of their feelings, and relief from feelings of blame or guilt.

Experts who have studied children and divorce recommend parents consider the following tips when dealing with their children:

• Explain the terms of your divorce agreement in an age-appropriate way. Helping your child understand issues regarding custody, visitation, and division of primary assets will alleviate some insecurity.
• Agree to allow both parents to actively participate in the child’s life. Encourage your child’s school to keep both parents informed of conferences, special events, and any academic concerns.
• Allow your child opportunities for private communication with each parent. Encourage phone calls, emails, text messages, or handwritten letters.
• Don’t fight in front of your child. Don’t complain about your former spouse when your child is around. Remember, your child shares half of your former spouse’s DNA. An attack on him/her is an attack on your child.
• Provide your child with opportunities to discuss his/her feelings. If he/she seems unusually depressed or is having trouble in school, considering enlisting the support of a therapist trained to deal with the issues surrounding children and divorce.

For more information about children and divorce, please see Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust.

Planning a Stress-Free Visitation

In most divorce agreements, one parent will have primary custody and the other will have regular visitation rights. Planning a stress-free visitation experience gives your child the opportunity to enjoy quality time with the non-custodial parent.

Experts who have studied children and divorce recommend parents consider the following tips when planning visitations:

• Don’t expose children to your romantic relationships. It’s only natural to want to include your new boyfriend or girlfriend, but the visitation should be a time for your child to enjoy being with you. Also, if the relationship doesn’t work out, you’ve added another layer of loss to your child’s life.
• Stick to the agreed-upon visitation schedule as much as possible. It’s fine to make exceptions for illnesses, holidays, or unforeseeable circumstances. However, canceling on your child at the last minute will leave him/her feeling rejected and unloved. It’s your responsibility to be punctual and dependable.
• It’s fine to plan fun activities for your visitation, but resist the urge to spoil your child. Showering him/her with expensive presents and neglecting to discipline inappropriate behavior will only create problems later on.
• Don’t use the visitation as an opportunity to dig up dirt on your former spouse. It’s inappropriate to ask your children questions about a parent’s romantic relationships, financial situation, or housekeeping skills.
• Don’t ask your child to relay messages between you and your former spouse. If you have something to say, contact him/her directly. Asking your child to play messenger puts him/her in an awkward position.