Collaborative Parenting after Divorce and Separation

The Effects of Divorce on Children's Upbringing

After a divorce, children either live with only one parent or alternate between the two. If they alternate between each parent, kids start to learn there are different rules for each home. The rules in a home shape ideals, morals, and values. If these are not consistent, kids become confused and may turn to peers or negative role models for clarification, which could lead to deviant behavior.

Another consequence of divorce is kids learn they can manipulate and turn their parents against each other to get what they want. If one parent says no, a child may lie and tell the other one he or she said, 'yes' or will only ask the parent who he or she knows will say 'yes'. Another thing that happens is the parent that didn't allow the child to do something may feel guilty or be coined as the "bad parent". This may make the parent let the child do something in the future that he or she would not be able to previously.

How Collaborative Parenting after Divorce and Separation Works

After a divorce, children need to understand the way their mom and dad raise them will not change. The only change will be their parents will not live together. Depending on their age, you may be able to sit down with them and explain in detail how this new arrangement will work.

It doesn't matter who the children live with and when. Both parents should make decisions. This includes the simplest decisions such as sleeping over a friend's house. Remember, if you say 'no' and your ex-spouse says 'yes' next time, your children will learn who they should go to next time. Parents need to present a united front.

What if You and Your Ex-Spouse Do Not Agree

There will be times when you and your ex do not agree on a decision. The best way to deal with this is to talk through it and try to compromise. Do not discuss the problems with coming to a decision with your children. Kids are vulnerable after a divorce and do not want to feel they are the cause of more distress between you and your ex. Let them know you and their other parent are still talking about it and will let them know when you both have reached a decision.

Do Not Bad Mouth Your Ex-Spouse to Your Children

Under no circumstances should you ever say anything negative about your ex-spouse. No matter how many disagreements you have or how much you dislike your ex, your children are not part of the marriage. Two things might happen if you do this, they may resent you for talking negatively about their mom or dad, or they may become rebellious towards the other parent.

Put Your Marriage Difference Aside

Collaborative parenting after divorce and separation means putting your marriage problems aside and concentrating on being parents. If you had issues with the way your ex-wife or ex-husband raised your children while you were married, you both need to settle these issues through discussion or therapy. If you continue to bump heads because of past issues, you will have a difficult time being collaborative parents.

Seeking Therapy to Help You Raise Your Kids Together

There is a reason why you both decided to divorce and usually these reasons do not just vanish after you sign the paperwork. If you find that your differences are too great to be collaborative parents but have a great desire to give your children this type of upbringing, therapy may be beneficial for both of you. A therapist can help you work through past issues and focus on what you should be focusing on, your kids.